Donald asks…

How to combat low self esteem, and make my dreams come true?

I used to be pretty outgoing and confident, but then I moved and I haven’t really been able to make friends. I also developed an eating disorder, and I gained weight in recovery (I weigh 10 pounds more than before I had an E.D., and I was never skinny) which makes me feel kind of fat. That, coupled with a few lower grades (serious blow for me, as I was known as “the smart kid”) has caused my self esteem to hit rock bottom. I used to be a “fighter”, rejection would just make me try harder until I got what I wanted (a part in a play, an A on a test, etc.), but lately whenever I fail I just want to quit. I haven’t studied for finals yet, and my dad, who likes to “motivate” me by telling me how shitty my life’s going to be when I grow up, went on and on about how it was all right if I didn’t study for finals, if I didn’t get good grades I’d just go to community college and work in some mediocre low paying job, and I was like, “Fine.” I just didn’t even care.

I feel so worthless. It’s like every part of my personality has just been stripped away from me. I am consumed by self-hatred. Sometimes I feel like saying, “Fuck it. Why do I try? I’ll just fail out of high school! Who cares? My life is not going anywhere anyways!” Right now I have 90%’s in all my academic classes. If I get A’s on the final, I’ll get an A in the class. But if I get B’s on the final, I’ll get a B in the class, and if I get B’s, there is NO WAY I will ever get into Columbia. That’s where I want to go. New York City. To escape my dad, and live out all the dreams I used to have. To be in a Broadway musical, perform stand up, sing at the Met…!

How can I find the strength to carry on and fulfill my dreams, when I just want to give up?

MKWeb answers:

Well asking this question to complete strangers on the internet can’t be good for your self esteem either. I mean… Buck up cowboy!

Laura asks…

! thought I was pretty, but now I have low self esteem. HELP!?

Before i entered middle school my mom always would tell me that I’m pretty, and i believed her. But now I have been labeled as an ugly, nerdy, loner. In 6th grade i was bullied a lot by these two girls, and it was really stupid stuff, like how I couldn’t do the counting and clapping test in band, or my skirt, or how my hair was too short for a ponytail, and I stupidly took it to heart. Now in school it seems like everyone is pairing up. in the hallways their are kids kissing, hugging, and telling each other how much they love each other. Then there I am pushing through to my locker. In the mornings I can’t even look in the mirror because I hate how I look so much, and I have stopped trying in the morning , I just wear skinny jeans and a jacket. I used to think I was pretty, I’d look in the mirror and say,”I have pretty good curves” or,” Looking good today, whoo!” I used to have self esteem, but now I wonder why I even bother. Can you help me feel good about myself, I really need some answers…

MKWeb answers:

You have got to think of it this way, everyone in the world has a different perception of it and the people around them, we all think differently and see things differently, so if someone thinks your ugly, thats alright, i guarantee other people think you’re smoking, have you ever heard someone tell their friend they are dating someone and they say they are really cute, but their friend says that they are super ugly, thats because we all have a different perception, no matter who you are people are going to think that you are ugly, and others will think you are good-looking, don’t worry if someone says you’re ugly, there are many other people out there
and some of the bullying could just be jealousy too, or they might be bullying you because they have a rough life at home, there is some reason for that, they aren’t just bullying you because they think you are ugly.

Daniel asks…

Is my self-esteem so low that part of me wants to stay in this relationship?

I’m 23/f and moved in with a 42 year old Indian guy 6 months ago. I was desperate for a place to live and I found him off craiglist. I payed rent to him even though we had a sexual relationship. We developed a good friendship and have much of the same interests. 2 weeks after I moved in we started a sexual relationship. From the start of the relationship, he has said to me he feels bad and that he feels like he’s taking advantage of me. During the 6 months, he loved touching and holding me, and he loved the cuddling as much as the sex. He has said to me many times how lonely he is and basically has told me that he wants the touching and holding more than anything else. Throughout the 6 months, we have always said to each other we would stop having sex (because we were both becoming somewhat addicted). Plus, we both knew the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere. Although, he always tried to make sure we have an emotional connection, and not just physical.
There was an incident a couple months ago where we were walking down the street arguing about something ( I don’t even remember what) and he pushed me. After he pushed me, he blamed me, saying that I had somehow wanted to be pushed. He also apologized saying that he sometimes can’t control himself.
A couple weeks ago, he had an STI scare, which turned out to be a urinary tract infection. However, he blamed me (even before he got the test results) saying that I had given it to him. He also had me thinking that I really did give him an STD, even though I know for sure I didn’t. He threatened to beat me up and threatened to sue me for giving him an STD. I was so pissed, I stopped talking to him. After he got the results back, he apologized, saying that he was yelling at me trying to get me to admit to sleeping with someone else. He said he wanted to see my reaction. I told him that threatening to beat me up was unacceptable. He said he was just kidding and that threatening to beat me up is the only way I will learn. He also said that his threats show he can become emotionally distant from the people that he cares about. He says he does not want to hurt me in the future and that perhaps we should not see each other anymore.
A couple times I have brought up to him that I think we should move on from eachother because its not a healthy relationship. He says that we should still remain friends and not have sex anymore. He says that he is concerned that I could get emotionally attached and doesn’t want to emotionally hurt me. He keeps on insisting that he wants a friendship with me, without sex.
What should I do?
I moved out of his place about 2 months ago, and he has been coming to my place (a couple times uninvited) when I didn’t return his calls, he just showed up. I should never have let him know where I live.
He has even suggested to me that I should see a therapist about our relationship andn talk to the therapist about whether the relationship will hurt me.
He says if I see a therapist, he would not feel so guilty. He also says that I should date and find someone my own age and be in a loving relationship. Yet he says, even if I date other people, he still wants to be friends with me. He claims he cares about me as a friend.
Last night, we had an argument at my place. He was really drunk and started sobbing. He said that he thinks I believe he’s trying to hurt me and how he always ends up hurting people and that he doesn’t want me to become attached and emotionally hurt me. He ended up leaving around 2 in the morning after I told him to leave.
He spent Christmas with my family because he basically invited myself saying he would be lonely on Christmas.
Now I’m thinking it was a huge mistake to have invited him to spend Christmas with my family.
I want to break off this relationship, yet I invited him for the holidays. Not very smart.
He’s from India

MKWeb answers:

Please add information to your question. Id this man native american indian, or from india?

If native American what nation tribe?

I think i can help with some cultural info. If he is native.
It has never been part of native american culture to hit or abuse a woman or child. Not until the government started forcefully taking native children from their families and communities and placing them in indian birding school. There they were abused in every way possible.

The idea was to turn them into whites. The girls never learned to be parents because they were taken from loving homes and mistreated. The boys also confused . Many who survived these hell holes turned to drink and drugs. They learned to abuse because they were subjected to abuse constantly at these so called schools. (death camps)

he said he did not want you to get emotionally at ached. Well there is a reason for this too. Native tribes have a clan system. A man marries and goes to his wife’s clan. Some accept a woman marring a non indian because she stays in her clan. But if a man marries a non indian he has no place to go.

Indians can get way out of control on Achaean. If he drinks you would be better off getting away from him. Violence is something we as women are not made for.
Another problem : if he is apache it is this. Apaches are very moral people. They are taught that women are equals and that they are sacret life bearers. They never raped . Not even captive women. This was considered a cowardly thing . They were taught to respect women and not to abuse them. So after he lost it and pushed you he may now feel very guilty and bad about himself. But men any race seem to blame women for their own faults. So he may blame you for his also.
Now , natives have hardly any immunity to things that would not infect a white man. So the bladder infection could have come from you through no fault of your own.
Next native americans are products of very complexed socioties. And now they are caught between two cultures and it is madness.
Advice. Leave indian men alone. You may be addicted to the gentle sex. I know how that is. But if you hang on you are in for one hell of a ride emotionally.
If he is from india all i can say is get away form him too. No woman needs to be mistreated. I have no explination for their ways,

Lizzie asks…

What are the chances of me passing the AP Calculus test and the AP US history exam?

I’m so worried that I won’t pass my AP Calculus exam. I walked in there pretty confident, and the first part (non calculator section multiple choice) was a selfesteem booster. Then, the non calculator part was hard! (And I thought that I was better on that section.) I answered around 11 and probably got a lot wrong.

For the non calculator part, I think I made some stupid mistakes. I answered around 26 and maybe missed like 3 or 4.

As for the free response, I really had no idea what I was doing. I forgot how to do antiderivatives due to my nature of blanking out on tests. However, I did fill everything in, hoping that I would get at least partial credit.

I only want a passing grade.

As for the AP US history test, I omitted 29 -_-. I probably got around the low-mid 40’s points already including the deducted points for wrong answers. I think I did fairly okay-good on the written section. However, I don’t know if my messy handwriting (in some parts) and my crossouts and my arrows and unorganization (I wrote the conclusion, thinking that I will run out of time, and then realized that I still had time left so I drew an arrow to the backside of the page where I began a new paragraph that was supposed to go before the conclusion.) will displease the reader.

I’m also hoping for a three, but that seems unlikely. I’m almost certain that I will receive a two but I’m still in denial :(.

What do you think guys? Give me some hope that I can pass! 10 points for the most self-esteeming answer lol. Just kidding, I want honest answers.

MKWeb answers:

If what you say is true about the Calculus test than thers no doubt youll get a 3. Ive discovered that you hardly need any points to get a 3 on it. If you got 35-37 right on the MC, even if you got the rest wrong, is probly just short of a 3. Remember they take your point total and multiply it by 1.2 to get your raw score. And since you filled in everything on the FR, you undoubtly picked up several points on it. Even if you got the answers wrong you most likely will pick up partial points. Youll be surprised how willingly they give out points sometimes. Dont be surprised if you end up getting a 4.

Im less optimistic on your APUSH exam. You say you omitted 29. That means you answered only 51. If you got over 40 than the fact that you omitted a lot doesnt really matter. +40 raw score is good. Dont worry about being unorganized on the writing section. The graders know that this is a rough draft, and that you’re working with limited time. This is a history test, they could care less whether you write well or not. You can easily recieve a 6 or even higher while having basic writing skills. And that fact that you wrote out of sequence has a minimal effect on your grade. If the passage made your point stronger or clearer than it will help your essay, not hurt it. Also they’re not grading on penmanship or neatness. Remember this is a history test, they’re grading you on your knowledge of US History, nothing more. Earlier when i said i was less optimistic, i only meant that it sounds like you did better on the Calculus exam. With +40 on the MC, depending on how good your essays are, you are in good position for a 3.

Good Luck. I hope you did well.

Mandy asks…

I really need help with my psychology research project?

I am having a hard time coming up with an experiment idea. It has to be good and not overstudied. I need a decent mark. I DO NOT have to carry out this experiment, just come up with all aspects of one. I need the independant and dependant variable…some thing that is manipulated and measured.

A couple ideas have been memory when given abstract and concrete words to study for 3 minutes.

The other one is does multivitamins improve memory. Use a multiv and palcebo and test memory.

I am having a hard time finding previous studies on these and this is part of the assignment.

This is stressing me out so much. I’m also thinking self esteem of kids in foster care. I need help with something and how to word the hypothesis. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…

MKWeb answers:

How about something to do with birth order? Lots of possibilities there.

Or here, http://www.lifecourseinstitute.com that’s my web sight about Adlerian Psychology (the most influential and yet least known psychology of the 120th century!) Click on CONCEPTS for fifty of Adler’s ideas…you might find something there. Or click on LEAP for the ten LifeCourse Patterns everyone creates before they start first grade, there should be plenty of ideas there! (If you use anything from my web site, please let me know…)

I see you also think about self-esteem of kids in foster care. Interesting. (I directed the state-wide emergency services, and also was supervisor of the state unit that dealt with foster care and adoption.)

A really hot topic among people in adoptive services is called “Attachment Disorder” and there are many people on each side of a big argument. One thing we know is that unless certain things can be changed before the kids hit puberty…they will be essentially sociopathic for the rest of their lives. Google “attachment disorder” to see what you can find…it would be a great (and VERY unusual) topic!

On my site, under CONCEPTS, look for “Belonging.” (Yes, Alfred Adler talked about what we call “attachment” almost 100 years ago!) Oh yes, and also look up “Overburdening situations” for Adler’s ideas about what leads some kids not to EVER be able to handle adult life!

Best wishes — Dr. Bob, Adlerian Psychologist

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